Rules of the Rock and Roll Game

As a blog that’s dedicated to great live performances, I think it’s time I laid down some ground rules for one aspect of achieving a good performance: the show. It, ladies/gentlemen, is one key element of a good performance. The show, in and of itself, also has many elements that must occur before it can be considered good. When all the key elements for a show are in place, then you can have a good performance. This, however, requires the crowd to know its place as a crowd and obey certain unspoken rules. Sound complicated? It’s not if you’re smart.

Last week I was bemoaning the fact that I’ve become too jaded and cynical, but as it turns out, I’m not nearly jaded enough. For over an hour I watched the Subways play at the Doug Fir, and for over an hour I was continuously embarrassed by some truly ridiculous show going antics. What will I remember from that show? Unfortunately not the music.

Look kids - its rock and roll. It’s cool. That’s the name of the game. You’re not cool? Then pretend for a night. You can start by considering the following:

Dress
1. Do not wear a baseball cap to a show. You look like a fool. Especially you with the Cowboys hat. Really? When has it been cool to wear a Cowboys hat in the last ten years? And even then, it was only cool for turn coat grammar school kids. Give it up. That bandwagon has sooo passed. And we know you’re not from Dallas. People from Dallas don’t move to Portland.
2. Please look like you at least gave five minutes consideration to your outfit. You’re going out. Whatever happened to dressing up? This is rock and roll kids. You’re supposed to look good. Dude with cutoff denim shorts? Nope. Go home.
3. Flannel shirts haven’t been cool since 1992. Recognize.

Drinks
1. Ladies-please try and reduce stereotypes. A BOTTLE of Corona? Pathetic. There’s five microbrews on tap and you choose a Corona. It’s a fact that Corona is never acceptable to drink unless you are at a barbecue in California with your old highschool friends who have never lived outside their hometown, still listen to Sublime, and just plain don’t know any better.

Actions
1. Giving the Horns is not acceptable under any circumstances (with the exception maybe of a heavy metal show). Please stop. I want to pass out every time someone gives a band the Horns. You’re an idiot.
2. Respect my dance space. It’s a well known fact that I have a personal box of space to dance in. It’s not big…so when you step into it, it really throws me off. Please be more considerate.
3. Put your cell phone down. All your friend hears is static and reverb. The video, also, is going to suck. As a girl who goes through a million of these to find something postable, I implore you to just enjoy the moment. Also, if you’re a sixteen year old girl at an Arcade Fire show and they start playing “My Body is a Cage” while the lights go down and the mood gets intense, this is NOT your cue to whip out your cell phone and call your best friend. The next time you do it, your cell is getting thrown off the balcony by the curly haired advocate of 21 and up shows sitting behind you.
4. Refrain from yelling stupid comments. When the band says “Hello” you can say “Hello”. “How’s it going?” gets a “good”. Comments about not understanding accents, about how they are “fucking savages” or anything else is not acceptable. Also, since when is the band a DJ? Did you really just ask them to play track five off their first album? You’re stupid, get out.
5. Dudes: We never think it’s an accident when you brush our ass with your hand. There’s no reason for your hand to be down there. Stop.

To the Band:
1. I was tea-bagged twice by the vocalist of the Subways. I contemplated whether this was sexy or not…it’s not. There’s no way around it.
2. Drinking a bottle of Jack on stage is only cool in some situations. If I have seen your level of intoxication go from a level 2 to a level 8 in four songs, that’s not okay. If, at song five, I watch with horror as you knock over the next band’s five pristine electric guitars on accident cause you’re so wasted, you have a problem. That’s not cool...it’s just stupid. I don’t have 15 dollars all the time. Respect it when I do and choose to spend it on you.
3. Making fun of your ex-girlfriend band mate in front of the whole crowd? Boo. You’re the one who was fucking stupid enough to date your band member…not me. Get on with it. We don’t need to see the situation play itself out on stage.
4. Asking the crowd to clap their hands to the beat gets old after two songs. Remember that.
5. Only pick songs your audience for sure knows the words to, or it’s going to get embarrassing fast.

Live, learn, and please people, stop embarrassing me.